Beer cannon
by stormus
Summary: Reno's been to Wallmarket. Look what he's brought back with him! A short bit of nonsense with Reno, Rufus, Rude and Tseng about to die of stress.


Beer cannon

It was a strange noise, almost like someone firing a cannon indoors. Tseng puzzled over it for some long time as he walked down the corridor towards the Turks' office. For a split second it flicked through his head that maybe someone was firing a cannon. He shook the notion away, reminding himself that he didn't know anybody stupid enough to do something like that.

He halted at the office door, his hand resting on the handle. The sound was coming from inside. Oh God! Had someone launched an attack on the Turks while he was at the dentist? This could be serious, especially if they had heavy artillery in the building (how they could have got a cannon inside, he had no idea). Taking a deep breath, he drew his pistol, stepped back and kicked the door in.

"Don't move!" He yelled, pointing his gun at the first person he saw.

"Ehhhh, boss man!" Reno greeted him, pushing the pistol out of his face. "How was the dentist?"

Tseng dropped his gun to his side, ignoring Reno completely and staring in disbelief at what was going on in front of him.

Rude stood at one end of the room, hands clasped behind his back, head up high, in front of a big, crudely drawn target. The bald Turk was the picture of dignity, even with the shiny red apple standing on top of his head.

Tseng's eyes shifted to the contraption standing in the centre of the office. It appeared to be a small cannon. Someone had painted it in red, white and blue target shapes and stuck beer brand stickers all over it. "Reno." Tseng croaked, realising suddenly the thing was aimed at Rude's head, "What is _that_ thing?"

The red head looked round, grinning broadly at the cannon. "This?" He wandered over and crouched down beside it, "This is a beer cannon."

"What is it doing here?"

"Bein' played with." Reno dusted it off with one hand, smoothing back his mullet with the other. "I borrowed it from the Carnies down in Wallmarket. They said I could have it for the day in return for a case of jelly beans. I said sure. That's a small price to pay for something this cool."

"I want it out of the office. Now."

Reno ignored Tseng completely, getting behind the cannon and squinting through the cross hairs. "Watch this." Without a second thought he fired it, blasting a can of beer straight at Rude's head.

Rude hit the ground with a thud, sprawled there like some kind of dead spider. Reno looked round at Tseng with a proud smile, "See, it's great, in't it?"

Tseng glowered back at him, his fists clenched tight by his sides. "I want it gone!" He yelled, pointing at the cannon as though that would get rid of it, "Out of here! Vanished! NOW!"

Reno threw himself on it, hugging it close to his chest and looking up at Tseng like a wounded puppy. "No! It's mine!"

"It is not yours!" Tseng shot back, "You said you borrowed it."

"It's mine for the day. I'm not gonna get rid of it. No!"

"Oh for the love of Pete." Tseng turned on his heel and stalked over to the window. He knew Reno, and when he acted like a wronged five-year-old, he stuck to his guns. In this instance bribery with tobacco products looked like a rare impossibility. "Where's Elena?"

Guiltily, Reno thumbed over his shoulder at the overturned table sitting against the far left wall. Tseng sighed, marching up to it and peering over to see Elena sprawled on the floor, much the same way Rude was in front of the target. "Reno..." He trailed off, looking round at the red head for a freely given explanation. Grudgingly, Reno obliged,

"She said she was going to make us get rid of it before you got back."

"So you blasted her with it."

"Only in the head."

"You had better get rid of it before Rufus sees it."

Reno relaxed, collapsing onto the floor and leaning against his precious cannon, "Why? He comin' down or something?"

Before Tseng could speak, the door opened and Rufus strode in, looking over a handful of papers. "Tseng, I-" he looked up, faltering at the sight of the cannon and Rude on the floor. Tseng jumped in quickly,

"Sir, if I could just explain-"

"Is that a beer cannon?" Rufus asked, pointing at it.

"Sure is." Reno answered with a smile. Obviously it was infectious, Rufus breaking a smile of his own and shoving his papers into Tseng's hands to walk over and examine the contraption for himself.

"Why, I haven't seen one of these since college."

"I borrowed it from Carnies." Reno announced proudly, stepping aside for Rufus to look at it.

The President sat behind it, peering through the cross hairs at the target. "This brings back memories." He murmured, sitting back. "Rude, stand up and put that apple on your head."

Rude did as he was told, Rufus firing a can of beer straight into the apple and destroying it against the target. Reno applauded, "Great shot your eminence."

"Thank you Reno. I am a crack shot. Now," He got to his feet and picked up the cannon, Reno taking one end of it, "let's see what else we can blast."

Out in the corridor, Rufus dropped his end unexpectedly, Reno doing the same and getting behind the office door as directed. Without another word, Rufus took aim and fired a can of beer down the corridor. A strangled 'Erk!' was heard, followed by a thump. Rufus chortled, looking round at Reno, "I've always wanted shoot Heidegger." He confessed, gesturing for the red head to pick up one end again. "Shame it had to be with something he could recover from."

"Why don't you just fire him?"

"I honestly don't know. Perhaps he amuses me on some level."

"You'd be surprised how often I hear that."

Tseng could not believe it, peeping round the office door and watching Reno and Rufus ambling off down the corridor towards the elevators, stepping over Heidegger's unconscious body with a beer cannon of all things.

Rude pushed by him, muttering an apology, probably feeling like a bear with a sore head, but not about to miss out on one of Reno's wild rides. In a fit of worry, Tseng followed, determined to make sure Reno didn't lead Rufus into disaster.

"So," Rufus turned to Reno in the elevator, "any ideas as to where to use this little wonder?"

Reno smiled, jabbing the button marked 'Parking lot' then examining his nails closely, "I may have a few. The question is, are YOU man enough to handle them."

Rude wandered in, Tseng darting in behind him as the doors closed, looking more than a little worried at Reno's last question. Rufus would go nuts.

"That sounds like a challenge." The President growled playfully. Reno looked at the ceiling, his arms folded across his chest in an 'I don't think so' manner.

"I don't know..."

"Try me."

"Okay.I bet you won't put a can through Scarlet's windshield."

Tseng and Rude looked at each other, both utterly horrified. Rufus however, looked calm as could be, cradling his chin thoughtfully. "If I was to do that," he began, scratching his chin for effect, "Scarlet would be hopping mad."

"And hopping's quite a thing with that much silicone in yer chest." Rude snorted at Reno's remark, clearing his throat and clasping his hands in front of himself.

"Yes it is." Rufus grinned suddenly, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning back against the wall. "She has been pestering me for a bigger budget. Revenge should never be turned down when served up on a platter."

"My sentisomethings exactly."

"Sentiments."

"I know what I meant."

Tseng was the first out onto the parking lot, his hands in his pockets and staring around as though Scarlet would leap out of thin air and attack him. Rufus and Reno carted the beer cannon out, Rude lending a helping hand just to make things all the easier. "Sir," Tseng addressed Rufus, "are you certain this is a good idea?"

"My ideas are always good, Tseng. Besides, Reno thinks it's an all right idea."

"That's what I'm afraid of." Tseng's murmured remark went unheard by the others, all three busily setting up the beer cannon in front Scarlet's pink convertible.

"You would think she would keep her car anonymous." Rude said, reading the number plate as 'SCARL3T'.

"Yeah, well she's so far up her own ass, and Heidegger's God dammit, that she can't see we all hate her rotten black guts."

"Very poetic, Reno." Rufus told him, getting to his knees behind the cannon, "Have you ever thought about writing these feelings down?"

"What now?" He lost interest in Rufus' words completely, hanging over the President's shoulder and pointing at the car, "Make sure you get the trajectory just right. You want to put it through the windshield and hit that crappy little moogle air freshener. If you can get the rear view mirror then that's a bonus ten points."

"We're going by points now?"

"Of course." Rude answered, "Where's the fun without?" Reno leant on his friend's shoulder, picking at his teeth with one yellow fingernail,

"Man, you gotta have points else there's no point." then elbowed Rude in the side of the head, "Heh heh, see what I did there?"

Rufus hesitated, looking round at Reno and Rude with a thoughtful frown, "Are you sure it'll make it through? They don't seem to have done much to Rude."

Reno reached over and turned the dial on the cannon's side. "Crank up the pressure and it can get through... and a half."

Rufus took aim, "Excellent." and fired.

All three Turks watched, open-mouthed the can fly out of the cannon, through the air and through Scarlet's windshield with a crunch. Everyone was silent. Reno looked at Rude, the rear view mirror falling off and thumping on the passenger seat. He smiled, "Woooooo!" and high-fived his friend, Rufus glancing back at them with a grin. "I believe that's twenty points."

Tseng felt faint. Scarlet was going to have them all killed. Apart from Rufus, he was the culprit and they were going to die for it.

"That was cool." Reno announced, crawling across the tarmac to sit beside Rufus, Rude following to lean on his shoulder. "Now do the side windows."

Rufus looked at the red head in surprise, "You're a destructive little tyke, aren't you?"

Reno shrugged, brushing a pretend tear from his eye, "What can I say? I love wanton destruction."

"I never realised how much we have in common. From now you can be my new bosom buddy."

The Turk looked almost angry, pulling his jacket closed and leaning back away from Rufus, "I don't have bosoms, what are you insinuating!"

"Ha ha! You're so funny!"

"I would be if I had bosoms." Reno murmured, looking at the ground.

"You can do the side windows."

He didn't have to be told twice, jumping to his feet and dragging the cannon round to the passenger side. "You know what's more fun than blasting a beer can through someone you hate's car?"

Rude shook his head, "No. What?"

"Blasting two beer cans through someone you hate's car!" That said, Reno loaded two cans and took up crude aim. They crashed through the passenger window and went on through the driver's side one too. Rufus was impressed,

"Twenty points. We're on a draw." He looked around, spying something standing in a dark corner beside Palmer's three-wheeler. "A tie-breaker is in order. Follow me."

Reno, Rude and Tseng followed Rufus over to Palmer's car, The two R's dragging the cannon, all three of them feeling a little sorry for the Space Programme champion. Reno had to speak out about this, "Rufus, Boss man, Sir. Don'tcha think it's a little mean to kill up Palmer's car? I mean, look at it. It's trash already." Rufus shook his head,

"I wouldn't pick on Palmer. No, we're going for much bigger game." He halted, his hands behind his back, "Tell me, gentlemen, have you ever destroyed a tank?"

"Once." Reno answered truthfully. "Why? Who drives a tank?"

"Heidegger."

They followed Rufus past Palmer's car to Heidegger's monstrous 4X4. Now this was going to be a laugh and a half.

Admittedly even Tseng was quite looking forward to this one. Rufus took the lead, aiming for the windshield. "Now," He began in a business-like tone, "Heidegger is cautious, and has bullet proof glass. The first one to get three cans through, wins. I'll go first."

Scarlet shook her head, swiping her hair out of her face and shrugging her handbag up onto her shoulder. It had been a long day, and the only thing she could think of was a hot bath. Growling, she pointed her key at her car and pressed the button.

Heidegger was on his way out of the elevator when he heard the first scream. Hurriedly, he ran across the parking lot to Scarlet's space to see what the commotion was. He had to bite back his laughter at the sight that met his eyes.

Scarlet stood by her car, beating her fists against the bonnet in a rage, making huge dents in the pink surface. All the windows were shattered, the rear view mirror missing and her moogle air freshener laid out on the bonnet, cut up and rearranged into some sort of mutant.

"What's the matter?" He asked her, stifling snickers. She looked at him, her lips drawn into a thin line. Her silence couldn't last forever as she went back to beating the bonnet, "SOME-DAMN-VANDAL-HAS-KICKED-THE-SHIT-OUT-OF-MY-CAR! I-AM-GOING-TO-KILL-WHOEVER-IS-RESPONSIBLE-FOR-THIS!"

"I see. That is a problem."

She stopped attacking her poor car and looked round at him, "Congratulations."

"Ooh, Scarlet." The both of them looked round to see Reno standing there, his skateboard under one arm, "That is going to need work. If it helps, I know a guy down in the slums that'll-"

"I don't want any of your damn hobo mechanics!" She screeched, slamming the bonnet again. "Get out of here! Get out! Get out! GET OUT!"

Reno nodded, "Sure thing." With that, he pulled his goggles over his eyes, dropped his skateboard on the floor, hopped on and rolled out of there, grinding the ramp railing as he went.

"God! I hate him." She said, collapsing on the bonnet.

"Well," Heidegger chuckled, anxious to get away from her and out of there, "Goodnight, Scarlet." He strolled off, bidding Palmer goodnight as he passed the three-wheeler en route to his own space.

"ARRGH!" Palmer got out of his car and wandered round to Heidegger, finding him standing and staring at his vehicle. The windshield and windows were intact, but the bonnet was covered in dents. Not an inch of it was safe from harm.

"Oh dear." Rufus was hanging over his shoulder suddenly, "Crime in this city is getting worse, wouldn't you say." Whistling, he wandered off to his own car, whistling in time to the double beep as he unlocked it. Some people would be at work later than others that night it seemed.

(NOTE: I got the idea for this from watching the beer cannon video on It was too weird not to be written down, and I don't write enough Rufus/Reno mischief, the two of them have the potential to bring Midgar to its knees with collaborated mischief. I'm going to have to make a picture of Palmer in a Robin Reliant now too. Drop me a review and tell me what you thought.)


End file.
